What "Recovering" Means to Me
What "Recovering" Means to Me
Journal Entry from August 10, 2022 (ironically the below journal entry was written on my 5th anniversary of sobriety... more on that down the road)
It must have been February of 2021 when I had my first "spell". I will never forget waking up that morning in Vail wondering what the heck was going on with me. I had a massive headache, chills, body aches, and nausea. I was blaming it on everything but the fact that I was most likely depleted of energy. I thought that maybe it was the tiny chocolate edible I had the night before to help me sleep, the altitude change, and/or something I ate. Despite the fact that I got my running clothes on and was determined to go for a run in order to help me "feel better", I literally could not leave the condo. I got back in bed, had Pete put a cold cloth on my forehead and slept the rest of the morning. The kids went skiing with Pete and unfortunately I had to text my Dad that was in town to let him know that I would not see him on the slopes. Ugh. Fast forward a few hours and I felt better. "Maybe low blood sugar" I thought to myself. Who knows?!
About a year prior to this incident I was increasing my running miles and getting into a "Ketosis". I did research about the "Keto Diet", worked with a doctor and a clinical nutritionist that helped me become a "fat burner" with the hopes that inflammation from my auto-immune disease would decrease and that my brain would start to function "better". Initially, I loved the results. I felt that my brain was "on fire" and that I was able to hold conversations better. I felt leaner with less inflation and the best part of it all was that I didn't have to think about food. I ate a ton of fat, got full and ate at the next meal. I never got "hangry" and got to eat all the avocado, bacon, and fatty meat that I wanted.
Little did any of us (when I say "us" I am referring to my team that was supporting me in my health journey) know at that time that a month later we would be faced with a Pandemic that held us hostage in our homes. Little did any of us know that running would be the "go to" for an escape from the house and that the conditions of a "lock down" in one's home would be conducive to escalating or triggering disordered eating for anyone that might have had a history of body dysmorphia.
OK, let me backup... What do I mean by a "history of body dysmorphia". For lack of a better explanation or term, I am diagnosing myself publicly with an eating disorder that most likely started in my teens. I remember comparing my belly "rolls" to girls that were able to wear bikinis. I was ashamed and embarrassed and when I look back on those moments, I am guessing the "rolls" that I saw were actually just skin. When anything went "wrong" in my life I went to the bags of Doritos for comfort. I will never forget looking at the clock and actually giving myself a time in which I would stop eating the Doritos and put the bag away. These were the days prior to alcohol. Disclaimer: I had a great childhood. I would literally ask myself all the time "why am I so lucky?" I had and still have amazing and loving parents. We visited Grandparents in New Hampshire and Florida. We vacationed in Colorado and had the luxury of traveling most places in a private plane. There was nothing "wrong" in my life. But, I was still ashamed of the way my body looked. I remember sitting in the back seat of our minivan as a kid and witnessing my Mom in the passenger side of the car and always wanted that "skinny" elbow that she had. Where do these thoughts come from? How can I promise that my own girls don't have these thoughts as they enter their teenage years?
A bit more history: I have and always will be an "amateur athlete". As a young kid, I swam on the swim team and I dabbled into running on the track in grade school. In highschool I was on the swim team and then in College I found myself on the rowing team. As a kid I inherently knew that the bags of Doritos were not "good" for me and therefore probably put the "time limit" on them. I never really "loved" the food that my parents served for dinner, but what kid does?! OK, I have actually seen kids that do love food that their parents serve, but do think that most kids prefer "kid foods" like mac and cheese, quesadillas, pizza and pasta. Anything white right?! I never wanted the meat sauce, the mashed potatoes, etc. I was "ok" with chicken, but have memories of pouring myself a bowl of cereal instead of having a chicken breast at dinner. I found comfort in carbs and used them as comfort without putting much thought into them. When I look back at how I ate now, I would say that the carbs helped my performance as a high school athlete, but I probably could have been even better had I had a side of chicken with that bowl of Cheerios for dinner...
If you are still interested in my journey, keep reading my random thoughts that I have jotted down throughout the years...
There is no rhyme or reason to my order of events. Everything I write has helped me process my journey. My journey is not your journey, but if it helps you to know that you are not the only one who struggles, then reading my journey might serve you.
Journal Entry from April 2023
I am in what my dear friend calls “the messy middle”. And, in the spirit of April Fools... "this ain't no joke"
I thought that I would be able to "document" my journey as I heal and recover, but the honest truth is that when you are truly in it...you don't have much more energy to give. Journaling (blogging) is a powerful tool that I thought would be able to help me heal faster. You know... "just get the job done". But, that is not how it works. I still don't really know how it works. But, I know that it is working.
I am healing from disordered eating that was planted in college, quieted with heavy drinking, got louder when I sobered up, was fueled when diagnosed with auto-immune, escalated with "resources" like InstaGram and "experts in the industry", hello pandemic.
I had two choices:
Wither away (for the record, wither means shrivel, weaken, decline)
Get help
I stuck with choice #1 for a long time. Why? Because to me, choice #1 meant I was “in control”. You see, when I was a Freshman at the University of Dayton participating in the Crew Team I witnessed plenty of Seniors “controlling” what they put in their body, how much they put in their body and when they put it in their body. It appeared to be working for them so I tried it! I got as small as they needed me to be at the front of the boat and it was “easier” to stay small than to deal with having to lose weight the day of the regatta. Fast forward to Coaching for a not-to-be-named-no-more-in-business “clean eating company” and I was put on a pedestal for my immaculate looking plates piled high with greens, colors, just the right amount of fat and protein and “non-starchy” veg (hello tootsies!)
In 2022, I chose #2. Why then? Well, at the age of 41 I knew something had to change. The high school athlete that soared through the water spoke up and told me… "you are better than this". "You know you have more energy to give". "You know there is more power in there". :You know you can fulfill your dreams".
After reading Renee McGregor’s book called Orthorexia I realized that I was suffering just that. An Obsession with healthy eating with associated restrictive behaviors. I decided to book an appointment with Renee. She is a UK resident that has helped thousands of female athletes with Eating Disorders and RED-S. I will talk more about RED-S at some point. But, for now, just know that Renee’s book put me on the path that I am today and I am forever grateful. At the time I read her book I was preparing to go to Africa with my extended family and knew that I had to find more flexibility. I found some while on our trip and it opened me up to the possibility of having a “free-er life”.
While training for the NYC marathon I started fueling with carbohydrates again after three years of being “in Ketosis” fueling on high fats and running on Ketones. Hello runner’s high times 1,000. Good-bye healthy hormones.
After the NYC marathon I thought I was all healed up from the race so jumped back in the running shoes and thought… “I am good”. I signed up for a 12 week course led by US based Female Athlete Registered Dietician Lindsey Elizabeth Cortez from Rise Up Nutrition. I was hopeful that I would learn how to fuel as an athlete and get my period back (oh yea, when I say “good-bye healthy hormones” that also meant NO PERIOD for 3 plus years). Side note: she did teach me all of these things and I got my period back before my 12 weeks was up, but you need to stay tuned for the entire story. Moving forward…in typical Colleen fashion, I thought I would be just fine doing some speed work up and down hills with little to know build up. Let’s do this I thought. BAM.
The Universe had other plans. Despite the fact that I was starting to fuel properly with carbohydrates, sleeping at least 8 hours a night and taking some time off after the marathon, my bones were weak. I fractured my fibula and have not ran a day since January 11th. Today is April 1 and I am happy to say that I “get to” run next week.
As I mentioned earlier, the work is hard as hell and so draining so I am going to cut this entry off shortly. The work consisted of a 12 week program that was online based. I met with a Sports RD at least once a week, participated in group calls, worked through weekly Modules and wrote letters to myself like the following…
Dear Colleen’s Cheeks,
I notice some changes in you and at times I feel uncomfortable. I want to hide you but since you are on the part of the body that people focus on when you speak, it’s nearly impossible. That being said, I think it’s time to change the narrative around now I think about you. You are such an integral part of how I express myself. If I’m happy you perk up. If I’m sad, you droop. You are what allows family and friends to gather those I’m feeling and be there for me no matter what expressions I have. I’m going through a lot of change right now and I know that when I’m well fueled and running again you will show the world that I’m in a healthy state. By the way, I’m so happy that you are shining bright as I continue fueling like an athlete. Your dullness has disappeared and you are glowing like never before.
Colleen
If you or anyone else you know has struggled with an eating disorder or disordered eating, please share my story with them. I am in the “messy middle”, but have hope that my “other side” is so bright…
In short, my “messy middle” is not lacking tears (thanks to hormones), self doubt and anxiety. But, every once in a while I see rays of light.
Journal Entry from July 13, 2023
In the past two weeks, loved ones have said things like...
"You were so little. I just didn't know if I could say anything."
"I knew you were serious about your restrictions when you could not let go...even on the weekends and special occasions."
"I remember that first injury you had and I thought to myself... she is not eating enough for all the running"
But, for years all I heard were things like this...
"You look sooooo good."
"Wow. You are so dedicated.
"I am so proud of you for listening to your body."
I am an addict. Once I feel high from something, I want more of it.
I literally got addicted to the praise I started getting after getting small in college. I would go home and each "compliment" would fuel the fire...
15 something years later when the Doctor told me that I should stop eating gluten it was like music to my ears. You mean I have a reason to restrict?
2020 was like a "honeymoon". I was "in Ketosis" so the Ketones were literally fueling my brain... but, what I did not realize was the lack of carbs was killing my hormones...
2021 I started seeing signs that something was "off" but ignored them...
2022 was when I accepted my orthorexia.
2023 is recovery.
Recovery looks different Every Damn Day. To wake up and not know what will trigger your brain to think negatively and put you in a downhill spiral is scary as hell.
So, how do I do it? Who The F*** knows?
I go outside every morning. But, someday... that is the only time I go outside. Somedays... I feel like I am on top of the world. Somedays, I nap and watch TV. Recovery is about having faith that the feeling will pass. Recovery is about sitting in shitty feelings.
Today, Recovery is knowing I am getting better...
Today, I write all this down with hopes that I am helping someone who is in recovery.