What "Recovering" Continues to Mean to Me
It has been 106 days since I posted about my recovery. One might think I am “recovered” right now. Jokes on me! Recovery does not happen overnight. It does not happen in 100 days. It does not even happen in 106 days.
This past weekend reminded me a lot of where I was one year ago. One year ago, I was fresh off the New York City Marathon. I blamed everything under the sun for making me feel like s*** except being under-fueled for the event. I blamed the weather, the travel, the late start, etc. But, did I blame the nutrition? Nope. Not once. In my mind, I was “doing it all right”. I was in Ketosis and adding in carbs from time to time to replenish glycogen. I told myself that after the race, I would really get serious about nutrition and fueling as an athlete and getting out of Relative Energy Deficiency in Sport (RED-S). Fast forward to January 1, 2023 and I am just about to embark on a 12 week program to get out of RED-S with Rise Up Nutrition (see logo & link below), but still running on a very under-fueled body.
On January 11th, I fractured my ankle. There was another plan. The plan was to STOP running AND do the program. I was TOLD.
In Colleen-Like-Fashion, I did the 12 weeks like a Champ - A +! I started eating all the carbs that I was not eating, I learned to rest and more importantly learned why I needed both. During this period of time, I told my family that I have been struggling for some time. This was not a planned “announcement”, but organically happened after one brother made a very innocent joke which led to me blurting out all my truths. You see, when you have an ED, you get really good at believing all the things you tell yourself that others around you believe it as well. I told myself over and over that I did not need carbs and was fueled by fat and that was keeping my auto-immune in check. What I was not saying to myself was that there were days that I would wake up in the early morning hours with the absolute worst headache ever I thought I was dying. What I have come to realize is that my blood sugar levels were so low that my organs were probably failing. My body did everything that it could to survive including shutting down all hormonal systems just so that it could do what I asked it to do. Sometimes, that was 26.2 miles.
This past weekend marked one year of hard shit. The hard shit that I did in 2023 did not include running 26.2.
I think that some people think that if someone with an ED has restored their weight that they are recovered. Think again! The voices in my head include “Oh - they noticed”. “Do they think I am “lazy” now"?” “If I eat the bread, will they think I was lying about how it made my belly feel that entire time”. So many damn voices. Then, you get the comments like “Just relax…do you ever just relax?” OMG… who says that?!
Recovery is still happening. Therapy is still on the schedule… despite how Exhausting it is. I would rather run a marathon.
You know what is Fucking Amazing though? I am eating enough for my body to run again. I have created a foundation that is strong as ever. Don’t get me wrong, I feel like I have never ran a day in my life, but I am doing this shit. I eat before my run. I eat after my run. I eat all fucking day long. I eat protein, carbs and fat. I eat gluten, drink dairy, corn, and sugar. Soy is still a *fear food, but I will get there. Baby Steps. Recovery is baby steps.
One year ago - November 2022
Today - November 2023
